


Good Enough

by idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec (GoodFinderBadger)



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 13:55:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6118465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodFinderBadger/pseuds/idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The journey Alec takes to discover he is good enough for just who he is</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!!! This is written for the favorite character challenge on the shadowhunter chronicles fanfiction network. You can find the blog at tscfanfic.tumblr.com and we have such wonderful writers.

The Institute was deathly silent as the clock flicked over to midnight. Alec Lightwood was still helplessly awake, staring at the ceiling and wishing he could sleep. He had tried to read, but that hadn’t engaged his mind enough to forget what had happened earlier that morning in the training room. Nothing could make him forget what a disaster training had been today. 

Earlier that day Alec had started his second week of training with Jace, his soon to be parabatai. Jace was only eleven, but he had the talent of hunters years older than him. It wasn’t that uncommon for parents to train their children from a young age with weapons, but Jace was extraordinary in every sense of the word. He aced every lesson, taking Alec’s spot on being the smart-alec in class. He knew every weapon intimately and used them flawlessly. He hit the target every time he threw a knife and he never got tripped up sparring with seraph blades. Alec himself was lucky if he hit the edge of targets and his footwork was described as shoddy at best. He had nearly cut himself a dozen times the last week training with Hodge and Jace. Hodge insisted he was too hard on himself, but the glaring evidence was staring him in the face. Jace was a year younger than him and he was so much better in every way. Alec had dreamed of starting his training for years. He used to sit and watch Hodge train passing Shadowhunters and his own father sparring with Hodge now and again. He had thought he had watched closely enough to mimic their moves when the time came. 

The reality of it all was devastating, and Alec didn’t know what he could possibly to do be better. He had observed, and read, and studied until he was exhausted. HIs father had been to every session thus far, and at first his focus had been all about Alec, but then it had shifted to Jace and stayed there. Robert was thrilled with Jace’s promising talent and that he was to be Alec’s parabatai. Alec tried to be bitter towards Jace, but he couldn’t bring himself to get there. Jace was so broken, and Alec was the only one who knew. Jace was just as thrilled Alec liked him as Alec himself was. They were each other’s first and only friend, and Alec could never begrudge him for having natural talent. They had both grown up raised by Shadowhunters, and now all that was left was their raw talent. 

He sighed and threw the blankets off of him as he rolled to his feet. He needed a walk to get out of his room and maybe grab some ice cream from the kitchen. He was pretty sure his mom had bought some not too long ago. Jace didn’t eat sweets, and Izzy was not yet in the habit of really getting food without asking. It might make him feel better enough to be able to sleep. He had training at eight tomorrow morning and at this rate he would perform worse than usual. 

The carpeting felt cool and soft as he shivered slightly in the hallway. Their rooms were amply heated, but the hall got drafty at night. He smiled and ran a hand over Church’s back as he passed him on the way to the kitchen. At least the cat thought he was still worth something important, no matter how many times he tripped himself up sparring. He turned one last corner and started down towards the kitchen when he heard voices, making him stop dead in his tracks. He was able to focus enough to recognize them as his father and Hodge speaking. He wondered what on earth they were doing up, and why they were talking. He knew they had known each other for years, but they didn’t really act like very good friends. 

“You can’t call him useless Robert,” Hodge was using the tone he used when Alec was being self-deprecating. The tone that told Alec he was being dramatic and to cut it out. “That’s hardly fair. He’s only been training a few weeks.”

“That Wayland is something else,” His father spoke with the very familiar awed tone he used when Jace could execute moves only adult Shadowhunters used. “I don’t get it. They’ve both been raised as Shadowhunters, but they’re so different. Alec has generations of talented hunters behind him. He should be a star, and instead he falls over his own feet.” Alec’s eyes slid closed as he felt his face burn and tears of humiliation burned the back of his eyes. It was one thing to feel shame, but it was another to have it shoved in your face. His father was so disappointed, and so ashamed. He had dreamed of having his father be truly proud of him for something more than a good grade, or a well executed drawing when he was a little boy. He had wanted to go hunting with his father one day, and now his father would probably choose anyone but him to accompany him on a hunt. 

“Give him some time, would you?” Hodge sighed heavily and Alec heard a thud as he likely set down his mug of whatever he was drinking. “Robert, you judge too quickly and you always have. Alec has learned all of this in theory for years. It’s going to take some time for that theory to be put to use. Alec is going to surprise you, I can tell you that. He’s struggling now, but one day he’ll amaze you. I’ve taught him for years. I know he will be great.”

“Great with archives,” His father muttered in a tone that was more disappointed than anything else. Alec heard a chair scrape back and knew he should probably leave before he was caught blatantly eavesdropping. He just had to see if his father might have one redeeming thing to say about him. 

“Being great at fighting demons isn’t everything,” Hodge reminded his father. Alec silently disagreed with his tutor. If you weren’t a good shadowhunter then what were you? “There is more to him than his skill with a blade. You should work on finding out what.”

“Alec’s future is shadowhunting, that is what he was born to do.” Alec held his breath as he heard heavy steps come towards the door. He could wait no longer for his escape lest he be caught and punished, not to mention humiliated. He made it back to his room in record time and tried to block the conversation he had had no right to hear from his mind. It had been awful hearing his father say all those things, though it hadn’t been a surprise. So far he was a failure as a shadowhunter, and was he ever going to be good enough to honor the Lightwood name?

Alec didn’t get any sleep that night.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

“Since when do you throw knives?” A clatter was heard as metal hit concrete. Alec cursed loudly as he went to obligingly pick it up. He didn’t want Magnus here, not now. He wanted to be alone, and to train. That was all he had wanted for weeks. He didn’t know what to say to Magnus these days. He never knew what to say to Magnus without sounding like an idiot. He stood staring at the training room wall, knowing if he turned around Magnus would be there. Magnus, the one person who knew he was falling apart. The one person who could read through his strong front. His sister could also for the most part, if she ever left her room. 

“A good shadowhunter is trained in every weapon,” Alec said flatly, a rehearsed answer he had learned at ten years old. A sigh behind him made him finally turn to see Magnus. His beautiful Magnus, the only thing saving him from himself these days. His boyfriend was dressed casually in jeans and one of Alec’s shirts. The shoulders were too big on him, but Alec loved it. “I use my bow too often.”

“That bow saved your ass and mine not so long ago,” Magnus said with a slight grin. “I say keep on using it. You stayed here last night.” It was the first night they had spent apart since coming home from Idris. Alec had no obligation to stay with Magnus, but he had. He’d craved the moment when the day was over and it was only the two of them in a bed. The two of them away from the cruel world full of heart-wrenching possibilities. 

“I didn’t stay here so much as pass out here,” Alec confessed as he looked steadfastly at the floor. “I trained late.”

“So, why don’t you come take a break with me?” They both grinned at the familiar excuse Magnus used to get him to come over. “You’re going to burn yourself out.”

“I’d rather train,” Alec said honestly. It made him feel better to push himself to exhaustion. He felt like he was preparing for next time because the two of them had definitely agreed there would likely be a next time unless Sebastian got killed by some freak accident. The accidents never happened to the horrible people, only the good died young.

And that was a horrible thought to have these days.

The pain still rushed through him like an arrow piercing him. The impact was sharp and intense while it slowly spread throughout his body like poison. Thinking of Max was a bad, bad idea. Thoughts of Max froze him, caused him to be unable to move or think. His young face would flash in Alec’s mind and that lump leapt back into his throat. 

“Alec…” Magnus said softly, still standing by the door watching him. The warlock had been careful to look and not touch lately. He must know that at the first touch of his caramel fingers Alec would fall apart. Alec didn’t want that. He couldn’t afford to cry anymore. It wasn’t helping, and he had to train harder for next time. No one else was dying because he wasn’t good enough. He had been through the regret for not being there, but then he’d realized that even if he had been there he might not have been able to help. A bow and arrow was a great weapon, and he loved it, but long range wasn’t always appropriate. The last few months he’d been so distracted with the warlock that he hadn’t trained as much as usual. Then battle had fallen upon them and Max had died. His little brother with no defenses had suffered for his distraction. “Darling, it wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that,” Alec’s tone was flat again as he winced at the pet name. Magnus pitied him, of course he did. Who wouldn’t pity the shadowhunter that lost his brother through incompetence? “I’ve just gotten behind with things. We both know there’s a battle coming, and I’m going to be ready.” He closed his eyes for a moment before refocusing on Magnus at last. “It’s all I can do.”

“You are ready,” Magnus told him softly. He took a few steps closer and Alec’s body was so tense his muscles hurt. He silently begged Magnus not to touch him, not yet. He wasn’t ready to fall apart. “Come with me Alec, get away from this place. Come home.” Alec may not live at the loft, but they both knew he considered it home much more than the Institute. Magnus was holding out his hand, begging Alec to take it. Alec looked at the targets across the room and the chips the knives had made when they missed. He knew he was too tired now to get anything of worth done now. 

“Let me just check on Jace and Izzy, and then we can go.” Alec brushed against the warlock gently, but ignored his hand. The minute the warlock touched him he was done for, and he very well knew it. He knocked on his sibling’s doors with little answer besides muffled responses. Jace was going out with Clary, and Isabelle still wanted nothing to do with anyone unless necessary. He told his sister where he’d be and assured her that he loved her. He’d made her eat earlier so he knew she’d be alright until the morning. His sister may be grieving, but this wouldn’t break her. She was too strong for that. 

For himself, he wasn’t so sure this wasn’t his own breaking point. 

Magnus tried to hail a cab, but Alec just kept walking towards Brooklyn. He wanted time outside before he let Magnus tear him apart and put him back together. He knew the warlock was fed up with his silent training, barely eating, and sleeping only when he passed out from exhaustion. He knew it wasn’t healthy, but it was the only way he knew to cope. He felt as if he didn’t deserve to fall apart when it was only because of his faults any of it had happened. 

They got to the loft just as it started to rain. Alec felt a shudder run through him as Magnus lightly placed a hand on his lower back to guide him through the door. They silently changed into comfier clothes and met in the kitchen. Alec made a pot of coffee while Magnus watched him silently.

“Are you hungry?” Magnus asked him, already knowing his answer.

“Not much,” Alec replied quietly. His hands shook where he kept them tucked into his armpits for warmth. 

“Are you going to talk to me? Are you going to talk with anyone?” Magnus got two mugs down from the cabinet and turned to face him. Alec scrubbed his hands over his exhausted face and turned to truly see his boyfriend in days. Magus had kept his shirt on and only changed into bright purple, silk pants. His feet were bare and his toes painted in purple that had glitter in it. He was perfect from head to toe and Alec wondered if Magnus had ever felt inadequate one day in the last century. 

“We talked. Do you not remember that night in Idris? I cried all fucking night,” Alec snapped at him, trying not to think about how truly awful that night had been. After it had happened Alec had broken down and had been unable to stop. He thought he’d cry forever, but as the sun rose he knew he had to move on with living. He had to get up and face a world just a bit darker. 

“What, you think that’s what grief is? One good crying session and it’s over?” Magnus folded his arms and shook his head. “You can’t make your grief go away because it isn’t convenient. If you don’t feel it, then it will eat you alive.”

“You think I’m not feeling anything?” Alec said incredulously with a touch of anger. “Do you honestly think I haven’t been in complete agony since the moment it happened? Do you think I don’t replay that night a million times every fucking day? You have some fucking nerve, Magnus Bane.” Alec drummed his fingers on the counter in irritation as he watched the last few drops of coffee dripped into the pot. 

“I know you’re in pain Alexander,” Magnus told him softly. “I know this is probably the most you’ve hurt in your life. I get concerned when you aren’t eating, and when you don’t sleep unless your body demands it. I want to help you.”

“Nobody can help me,” Alec said bitterly as he poured his cup of coffee before pouring his boyfriend one. He slid the other cup down the counter. He tried to snatch his hand back, ,but Magnus caught hold of it before he could and held it gently. Alec looked at his chest as he was brought closer refusing to meet the warlock’s eyes just yet. 

“Stop being a drama queen,” Magnus said firmly, finally losing his soft manner. “Of course people can help you. You can’t make it through life on your own all the time. I’ve learned that the hard way.”

“I’m so glad you’re all knowing and wise,” Alec snapped, not ready to be taught a lesson by his boyfriend. “You need to let us mortals catch up. Not all of us are so fortunate to have all the answers all the time.” Alec pulled away from him, ignoring the hurt look on Magnus’s face. 

“You think this is helping?” Magnus folded his arms with his eyes smoldering. “You think pushing me away is going to help you? You think that will make your heart hurt less? Alexander, this is not doing you any good.”

“I don’t do anybody any good,” Alec said around the lump in his throat and tried to desperately ignore the burning in the back of his eyes. “All I do is ruin, destroy, and let those around me get hurt. I can’t protect anyone. I didn’t protect Max, and now he’s gone. I wasn’t good enough of a Shadowhunter to keep him safe. I’m not good enough.” Alec broke off on a sob as he clutched the back of the couch to keep him standing. He felt gentle arms come around him as his body began to shake. He felt an arm tug him into his favorite embrace and he clutched onto Magnus’s strong shoulders as wave after wave of sobs came through. He felt his knees give way completely, but Magnus kept him standing long enough for them to move around and collapse on their couch. Magnus let him cry without interruption, just as he had that night in Idris. He let him shake, cry, and scream until he had run out of energy. He lay with his head on Magnus’s lap staring out the window at the bridge, wondering how many times he had to fall apart until he had it together.

“Are you ready to listen to me?” Magnus asked, his voice once again soft and tender as his talented hands stroked his hair. Alec winced only a little as he nodded. Magnus leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead and cupped his face gently in one hand. “I’ve known many Shadowhunters, too many. I’ve told you that you‘re different, and you are. You have more heart than nearly any I’ve ever known. I know you don’t think that’s something to care about or be proud of. I watched you fighting Alec, as much as we don’t talk about it. I’ve watched you fight more than once. You are talented, very much so. You took a skill and made sure you were the best at it. You worked and refined it until you shone above everyone. You are different, and talented, and so beautiful.”

“Stop it,” Alec said, with his voice choked again as a single tear slid down his face. “I’m not good. I’m not that talented. I let Max down. I let him get killed. My whole life the most important thing my father asked me to do is protect them and I haven’t. Izzy is a mess now, and she doesn’t know what to do. Jace is angry all of the time and I have no idea if he knows what he’s doing. I’ve failed them all and you tell me that’ s good?”

“My darling,” Magnus was smiling fondly at him. “Has your father told you that you let Max get killed? Has anyone said that?”

“They don’t have to, I know the truth.”

“No single person who loves you thinks that any part of Max’s death was your fault. There were so many disasters going on that nobody knew where to look. Your city was being attacked on all sides. You were admirable. You are good enough, and you always have been. Alexander, you give your all to everything you do. You’re alive and trying and that makes you good enough. I don’t care if you couldn’t hit a single target during training. That doesn’t make you good enough.” Magnus’s hand slid down to rest over his lover’s heart. “You have a heart of gold, and you use it brilliantly. You love with all you have. That’s all you need to be good enough. You need to let yourself believe me when I tell you that it wasn’t your fault.”

“I’m trying,” Alec said softly with his eyes averted. “I’m really trying, but it’s hard. I just don’t understand how he died, and why, and how this could happen to a child. Why did Sebastian decide Max had to die? There were so many shadowhunters in that house and he picked a kid. I don’t understand how years of training didn’t help me save him. That’s why I train so damn hard, and it doesn’t seem to be doing me any good.”

“You saved me,” Magnus said quietly, getting a lump of his own. “You saved my life, and that is something I’ll be thanking you for the rest of my life.”

“It was effortless,” Alec said, raising a hand up to stroke Magnus’s face. “I would save you over and over again without a thought. I only hope that I can.”

“I’m not worried.” Magnus shifted them so they could lie together. Alec was snuggled back into his arms, and he could admit that it felt much better than the cold mats of the training room. 

“I’m sorry I fought you. I got caught up in my head.” Alec pulled Magnus’s arm up to hug against him tightly. 

“Nothing to forgive. I’m just glad you’re with me now. I’ll tell you you’re good enough every single day if you need me to.”

“That would be nice,” Alec sighed softly and felt his eyes close. “You being here every single day, just like this.”

“That’s my plan,” Magnus promised him as Alec let himself succumb to some peaceful sleep.

MBALMBALMBAL

“Praise me,” Magnus proclaimed, entering their bedroom with his hands raised before flopping back on the bed. Alec laughed heartily as he put the book he’d been reading aside. His laughter turned to soft giggles as Magnus flopped on top of him, dramatic as ever. “I got the energy bunny to sleep. LIterally passed out sleeping. I am to be worshipped.”

“How did you ever manage?” Alec asked as he tried to stop laughing. “He’s been up nearly a day now and an hour ago he was running around pretending to catch dragons. Oh, and you are not putting a dragon on his ceiling. That is not something he needs to wake up to.”

“I think he’ll be over dragons by his birthday anyways,” Magnus wore a care-free grin as he kissed him shortly. Alec felt his body respond to that short kiss just as it had to every dramatic heart-stopping one in the past. Even after all these years Magnus made him come completely alive. “I used a bedtime story.”

“That must have been some story,” Alec said shaking his head. “Was it incredibly dull?”

“It was most certainly not dull! It was one about his daddy, which is always his favorite.” Alec listened as Magnus went on and on about the details of the story he had told, but his mind was in shock. He knew he was considered one of the war heroes, even though at the time it hadn’t felt like much heroism. The war was a blur, and they didn’t talk about it now that times were happy. They only talked of their futures, all brighter than they ever imagined.

Since Alec had been twelve years old and started his dream of being the best shadowhunter he had been told he wasn’t good enough. He’d been told he used sub-par weapons and was only average at things he was expected to excel at. He had been told this until he met his husband all those years ago. Magnus had slowly made him unlearn all he had thought he had known to be true. The warlock taught him his worth, to him and everyone else. It had taken years to undo the way he had always thought about himself, but once he did he could never go back. He still would never have Jace’s confidence, but now he knew he was good enough for everyone.

To Alec’s embarrassment the thoughts of the past in contrast to the present made his eyes mist over and tears trail down his cheeks.

“What’s with the tears?” Magnus asked, his voice instantly adopting the soft and reassuring tone that made Alec feel better every time he used it. 

“Do you know how long I cried myself to sleep?” Alec asked him quietly as he wiped the tears from his cheeks. “Before I met you I had no one to tell me that I was enough for exactly who I was. I just never dreamed then of being this happy. I never dreamed someone would think I was good enough to be the hero of a bedtime story. I’m sorry to cry, but I’m just happy. Thank you for giving me all of this. Our family, the life we have, and the person I am. I owe it all to you.”

“Nonsense,” Magnus said as a gentle smile appeared on his face. He cradled Alec in his arms as he laid back on their pile of pillows. “You worked hard to get where you are, and I couldn’t take that credit. We made this life together and I never dreamed of it before I met you either. We make a good team.”

“I love you,” Alec said softly, like a promise. He snuggled close to Magnus and felt himself start to drift off.

“Love you more,” Magnus pressed a kiss to the top of his head as Alec let himself fall into a peaceful sleep.


End file.
